


Rule #17

by frost078



Category: Zombieland (2009)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Pre-Slash, brief Columbus/Wichita
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 09:55:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7098001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frost078/pseuds/frost078
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Columbus isn't a hero.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rule #17

"That's the worst goodbye I've ever heard." Columbus shakes his head, disappointed at Tallahassee's choice of words even though the older man had already warned him of not being great at goodbyes. "And you stole it from a movie."

Tallahassee does a semi-shrug and claps his free hand on Columbus' shoulder.

"Tell the lady I said hey."

Was that what he was going to do? Swoop down into Pacific Playland on a motorbike he's never used before and find the two girls in a place that's most likely a deathtrap?

The very same two girls that conned him and Tallahassee by using their kindness against them in the grocery store?

The very same two girls that decided to spring a trap against them even though they were fine with parting ways on the road so as long as there wasn't any bloodshed?

Was it going to be worth it to save two girls that would very well leave him if it meant saving themselves, as Wichita had implied on multiple occasions?

Sure, once upon a time, maybe, just teensy tiny bit _maybe_ , him and Wichita could've worked out as a couple in the apocalypse. You know, other than having Tallahassee as a Kick Ass Partner, him and Wichita could've been a Kick Ass Couple. Then they all would make a Kick Ass Team because it's already happened and Columbus knows what it feels like and can tell how it could have been. Being a Kick Ass Couple and having a Kick Ass Team could have be two whole new rules. 

Then again, saving Wichita would be the same as saving 407. On a normal day, 407 looked uncomfortable talking to him when they bumped into each other at the laundromat and she would forget the next day who she talked to despite him introducing himself clearly. In fact, 407 probably only remembered him as "that one weird guy I meet at the laundromat". When Columbus saved her, she only looked at him because he provided safety, not because he was "him". Hypothetically speaking, if there was no apocalypse and no hero needed to save the day, they wouldn't look at him twice even if he did acquaint himself with them. 

That "once upon a time" could and can be real, if he "manned up" and crashed into Pacific Playland to play hero for them.

But that "once upon a time" became a passing thought, a what-if, if you will.

That's it. Nothing else and never will be.

Therefore, no, not at all. It wouldn't be worth it to save Wichita and Little Rock because they weren't willing to go through the lengths that Columbus would for them. They would never prioritize anything else other than their own survival. They believed that they couldn't give out kindness for free, not even before the apocalypse happened. As much as it was kind of gross to admit it, all of them became family to him even if he didn't know their real names and they didn't know his. Falling for Wichita was just the icing on the cake but you know what?

He could live without the cake icing.

It was _Rule #5: No Attachments_. It would take time to feel less hurt about it, but he'd get there.

"Hey, Tallahassee!" Columbus shouted as he got off the motorbike.

He thought about it long and hard enough that his mind is already made up.

Besides, it's not like he knows how to drive a motorbike.

"I'm coming with you to Mexico and finding those Twinkies."

Tallahassee raised his eyebrows, not believing what the kid was saying. Though he just shrugged it off and hopped into the car.

That was the great part about partnering up with Tallahassee. They didn't really need to talk to communicate and they never had any misunderstandings. Sometimes, they just understood each other, as simple as that. Kind of like how being a married couple for twenty years gives you telekinetic powers concerning your partner, which was as gross as admitting that he thought of them as family. Yeah, Columbus was attempting to erase that image from his head. Too bad mind bleach doesn't exist.  

"Alright, then get in, snoozer." he inserted the keys, twisted them and revved up the engine. He was muttering something about, 'you snooze, you lose'. "Can't believe you wasted my time to make me say a goodbye."

Columbus placed the motorbike out of the car's way and also because living in Zombieland didn't mean that he forgot his manners. It was the one of the few ways to retain his humanity and respect his probably dead parents. He made his way towards the vehicle, got in and most important of all, strapped his seat belt. _Rule #4: Wear Seat Belts_ still applied in Zombieland even if all the cops are dead and the traffic lights broken.

"It was a terrible goodbye anyways."

Tallahassee snorted.

"Never said it was great."

If Wichita and Little Rock deemed that he was detrimental to their survival, then... it was only right that they were detrimental to his survival too. In fact, he's never been hero material.

After all, Columbus didn't survive this long for nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> I've recently watched Zombieland (yep, I'm slow... looking forward to the sequel though cuz I'm wondering how that's gonna turn out) and while I am very well aware that it is a comedy, I can't help but feel frustrated that Wichita always betrays Tallahassee and Columbus. 
> 
> IMO, Wichita is a very independent woman and an excellent survivor, which is great and all, but she's someone you wouldn't want to be with in this apocalypse (unless you're Little Rock). I know it's survival of the fittest and all that, but honestly, would you save someone's ass if they betrayed you multiple times and implied that they would rather let you die to save their own skin despite of everything you've done together? 
> 
> Yeah sure, you got your reasons, but hey, you will not be the reason of me dying. So, no, I don't think so. :/


End file.
